Einstein

• A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it.

• A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.

• Any fool can know. The point is to understand.

• Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.

• Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

• As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.

• Common sense is nothing more than a deposit of prejudices laid down by the mind before you reach eighteen.

• Computers are incredibly fast, accurate and stupid. Human beings are incredibly slow, inaccurate and brilliant. Together they are powerful beyond imagination.

• Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.

• Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.

• Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity.

• Ethical axioms are found and tested not very differently from the axioms of science. Truth is what stands the test of experience.

• The supreme goal of all theory is to make the irreducible basic elements as simple and as few as possible without having to surrender the adequate representation of a single datum of experience.

• Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom.

• Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.

• Generations to come, it may be, will scarcely believe that such a one as this ever in flesh and blood walked upon this earth. (In reference to Mahatma Gandhi.)

• He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.

• He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be part of so base an action! It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.

• I am not only a pacifist but a militantpacifist. I am willing to fight for peace. Nothing will end war unless the people themselves refuse to go to war.

• I came to America because of the great, great freedom which I heard existed in this country. I made a mistake in selecting America as a land of freedom, a mistake I cannot repair in the balance of my lifetime.

• I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation, whose purposes are modeled after our own — a God, in short, who is but a reflection of human frailty. Neither can I believe that the individual survives the death of his body, although feeble souls harbor such thoughts through fear or ridiculous egotisms.

• I could burn my fingers that I wrote that first letter to Roosevelt. (regarding his original letter to Roosevelt about nuclear weapons)

• I don't believe in mathematics.

• I don't pretend to understand the universe — it's much bigger than I am.

• I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.

• I love to travel, but hate to arrive.

• I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

• I think that only daring speculation can lead us further and not accumulation of facts.

• I wish they don't forget to keep those treasures pure which they have in excellence over the west: their artistic building of life, the simplicity and modesty in personal need, and the pureness and calmness of Japanese soul. (referring to the Japanese people.)

• If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.

• If I give you a pfennig, you will be one pfennig richer and I'll be one pfennig poorer. But if I give you an idea, you will have a new idea, but I shall still have it, too.

• If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

• If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it?

• If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

• In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep.

• Innovation is not the product of logical thought, even though the final product is tied to a logical structure.

• Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

• It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

• It is harder to crack a prejudice than an atom.

• It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.

• It is the duty of every citizen according to his best capacities to give validity to his convictions in political affairs.

• Laws alone can not secure freedom of expression; in order that every man present his views without penalty there must be spirit of tolerance in the entire population.

• Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.

• Measured objectively, what a man can wrest from Truth by passionate striving is utterly infinitesimal. But the striving frees us from the bonds of the self and makes us comrades of those who are the best and the greatest.

• No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong.

• No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it.

• Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.

• No, this trick won't work... How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

• Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

• One strength of the communist system of the East is that it has some of the character of a religion and inspires the emotions of a religion.

• One thing I have learned in a long life: All our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike — and yet it is the most precious thing we have.

• One of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought.

• Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.

• Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.

• Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking.

• Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

• Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it.

• Setting an example is not the main means of influencing another, it is the only means.

• Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.

• Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.

• The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

• The hardest thing to understand is why we can understand anything at all.

• The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax.

• The mass of a body is a measure of its energy content.

• The physicists say that I am a mathematician, and the mathematicians say that I am a physicist. I am a completely isolated man and though everybody knows me, there are very few people who really know me.

• The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.

• The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible.

• The most powerful force in the universe is compound interest.

• The only real valuable thing is intuition. The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery.

• Problems cannot be solved by the level of awareness that created them.

• The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives.

• There remains something subtle, intangible and inexplicable. Veneration for this force beyond anything that we can comprehend is my religion.

• The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

• The release of atomic power has changed everything except our way of thinking ... the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.

• The search for truth is more precious than its possession.

• The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

• The unleashed power of the atom has changed everything save our modes of thinking and we thus drift toward unparalleled catastrophe.

• The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.

• The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

• There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

• Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.

• Truth is what stands the test of experience.

• Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

• Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.

• Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.

• What does a fish know about the water in which it swims all its life?

• Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever.

• You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.

• You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

• We owe a lot to the Indians, who taught us how to count, without which no worthwhile scientific discovery could have been made.

• A little knowledge is dangerous. So is a lot.

• A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future.

• Whether you can observe a thing or not depends on the theory which you use. It is the theory which decides what can be observed.

• Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.

• To punish me for my contempt of authority, Fate has made me an authority myself.
  

• Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do — but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.
  

• I consider it important, indeed urgently necessary, for intellectual workers to get together, both to protect their own economic status and, also, generally speaking, to secure their influence in the political field.
  

• Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly.
  

• So many people today — and even professional scientists — seem to me like someone who has seen thousands of trees but has never seen a forest. A knowledge of the historic and philosophical background gives that kind of independence from prejudices of his generation from which most scientists are suffering. This independence created by philosophical insight is — in my opinion — the mark of distinction between a mere artisan or specialist and a real seeker after truth.
  

• For the most part we humans live with the false impression of security and a feeling of being at home in a seemingly trustworthy physical and human environment. But when the expected course of everyday life is interrupted, we are like shipwrecked people on a miserable plank in the open sea, having forgotten where they came from and not knowing whither they are drifting. But once we fully accept this, life becomes easier and there is no longer any disappointment.
  

• The position in which we are now is a very strange one which in general political life never happened. Namely, the thing that I refer to is this: To have security against atomic bombs and against the other biological weapons, we have to prevent war, for if we cannot prevent war every nation will use every means that is at their disposal; and in spite of all promises they make, they will do it. At the same time, so long as war is not prevented, all the governments of the nations have to prepare for war, and if you have to prepare for war, then you are in a state where you cannot abolish war.
  

• Now, I believe what we should try to bring about is the general conviction that the first thing you have to abolish is war at all costs, and every other point of view must be of secondary importance.
  

• Taken on the whole, I would believe that Gandhi's views were the most enlightened of all the political men in our time. We should strive to do things in his spirit... not to use violence in fighting for our cause, but by non-participation in what we believe is evil.
  

• I believe that pipe smoking contributes to a somewhat calm and objective judgment in all human affairs.
  

• It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.
  

• Development of Western Science is based on two great achievements — the invention of the formal logical system (in Euclidean geometry) by the Greek philosophers, and the discovery of the possibility to find out causal relationships by systematic experiment (during the Renaissance). In my opinion, one has not to be astonished that the Chinese sages have not made these steps. The astonishing thing is that these discoveries were made at all.
  

• People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.
  

• I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
  

• I do not believe in freedom of the will. Schopenhauer's words: “Man can do what he wants, but he cannot will what he wills” accompany me in all situations throughout my life and reconcile me with the actions of others even if they are rather painful to me. This awareness of the lack of freedom of will preserves me from taking too seriously myself and my fellow men as acting and deciding individuals and from losing my temper.
  

• The true value of a human being is determined primarily by the measure and the sense in which he has attained to liberation from the self.
  

Anchorman

Anchorman

Ron Burgundy

• [while warming up before the news]]' The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.

• [looking at his reflection in the mirror] Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!

• I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Here it goes down, down into my belly.

• [trying to woo Veronica the first time] I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal. [...] People know me. [...] I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

• I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego. [repeated line]

• I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourselves, San Diego.

• [talking to Baxter, his dog] Come again? You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please. What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? I'm not even mad, that's amazing.

• [to Baxter] You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter. You're so wise. Like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.

• The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show [kisses his biceps] and see if she likes the goods.

• If you want to throw down in fisticuffs, fine, I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waitin' for ya...right here!

• I'm in a glass case of emotion!

• I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself thrust into the middle of vicious cockfight.

• I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

• It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice...

• Knights of Columbus, that hurt!

• By the beard of Zeus!

• By the Hammer of Thor!

• Great Odin's raven!

• Son of a bee sting!

• Is that you, Baxter? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain?

• [after jumping into the kodiak bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.

• [after the rest of the team state their opposition to his dating Veronica Corningstone] I know that one day we will be married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance... until the sun rises! And then our children will form a family band, and we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited!

• [singing] Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town, because you are what? My little gentleman. [stops singing] Mmm, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling. [[throws burrito out the window, where it hits a man on a motorcycle]

• Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it, fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called, uh, jogging. I believe it's 'jogging' or 'yogging.' it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.

• I'm going to punch you in the ovary. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

• I'm going to shoot you with a BB gun. Yep, back of the head.

• You woke the bears! Why did you do that?

• [shouting] NEWS TEAM! ASSEMBLE!

• [to Veronica] You are a smelly pirate hooker. [...] Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?

From the outtakes:

• Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe!

• Hot pot of coffee!

• Sweet grandmother's spatula!

• Saint Damien's beard!

Brick Tamland

• I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and I am what some people call mentally retarded.

• [riding a bear] Hey, Ron! I'm riding a furry tractor!

• I ate a big red candle.

• I love lamp.

• Mmm, I just burnt my tongue.

• I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!!!

• LOUD NOISES!!!

• [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere that their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstruation.

From the outtakes:

• I ate a whole lot of fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said... my stomach's itchy.

• I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't really lava.

• I pooped a hammer.

• I pooped a tape recorder.

• I pooped a cornish game hen.

From the deleted scenes:

• When there's weather to report, I report the weather.

• [at the zoo reporting about a baby panda being born] This is Brick Tamland reporting. It is sunny out and the bears are fluffy. Just how fluffy remains to be seen. Behind me is the miracle of birth. Soon, a stork will fly overhead, delivering a baby panda. Let me see if I can get a look at what's going on. [looks through the crowd, and starts whimpering] Oh, God. No! I don't understand!

Brian Fantana

• I know what you're thinking. And the answer is yes, I do have a nickname for my penis. It's called The Octagon. But I've also nicknamed my testes. The left one is James Westfall, and the right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right, you might just get to meet the whole gang.

• I'm very aroused.

• [after Brick talks about bears] Oh that's just great! You hear that, Ed? BEARS! Now you are putting the whole station in jeopardy.

• Excusez-moi, Numero two!

• [unveiling the Sex Panther] No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. [...] They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

Veronica Corningstone

• Ron, there are literally thousands of men that I should be with instead, but I'm 72 percent sure that I'm in love with you.

• Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection.

• I'm good at three things; fighting, screwing, and reading the news.

• Stop calling your arms guns!

Wes Mantooth

• I hate you, Ron Burgundy! I hate you! [turning to his co-anchors] Can't say one word? Even the guy who can't think said something!

• [to Ron] From deep down in my stomach, with every inch of me, I pure, straight hate you. But goddammit, do I respect you!

• Today, we spell redemption R-O-N.

• Dorothy Mantooth is a saint.

Others

Champ Kind: I'd like to slap some barbecue sauce on that ol' butt and just uh burr burr burr burr burrrr. OOwwwwooooo!!!!

Champ Kind: Whammy! [repeated line]

Frank Vitchard: I am going to straight-up murder your ass!

Frank Vitchard: [after getting his arm chopped by a blade, out of nowhere] Ugh! I did not see that coming!

Frank Vitchard: [after getting his other arm ripped off by a bear] Oh, COME ON! It's getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous!

Arturo Mendes: ¿Comó están, bitches?! Spanish language news is here! Today's top story: The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood!

Arturo Mendes: Policia!

Public TV News Anchor: Not so fast, you ingrates. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials, no mercy!

Dialogue

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I am a professional and I would like to do my job.

Ron Burgundy: Big deal! I am very professional!

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.

Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I'm a MAN, I am an ANCHORMAN!

Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke!

Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

---

Brian Fantana: Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!

Champ Kind: It is anchorMAN, not anchorLADY! And that is a scientific fact!

Brick Tamland: I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!

Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?

Ron Burgundy: Shit! Sh... it's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!

Brick Tamland: LOUD NOISES!!

---

Ron Burgundy: Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?

Brick Tamland: I don't know.

---

Champ Kind: What's this?

Wes Mantooth: Well, well, well, Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team.

Ron Burgundy: Hello, Wes Mantooth, Hello, Evening News team.

Wes Mantooth: Nice clothes, gentlemen! I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale. Am I right? Am I right? Look at these guys!

Brick Tamland: Hey, where did you get those clothes, the...toilet...store?

Wes Mantooth: What are you doing on our station's turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beat down.

Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!

Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!

Ron Burgundy: Hey, leave the mothers out of this. It's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset about finishing second in the ratings again.

Wes Mantooth: That's completely uncalled for, Burgundy. You know those rating systems are flawed. They don't take in account houses that have... uh... more than two television sets... and...other things of that nature.

Ron Burgundy: I guess I have to take you at your word, No. 2. You have a great day, fellas, we'll see you around the bend.

---

Ron Burgundy: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.

Frank Vitchard: Oh, yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place!

---

Ron Burgundy: (on the fight between local anchormen) Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast!

Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch!

Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?

Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!

Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?

Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!

Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should probably find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

---

Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.

Ron Burgundy: That's a given.

Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.

Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while?

---

Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!

Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry!

Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!

Veronica Corningstone: Well you... have bad hair!

Ron Burgandy: What did you say?

Veronica Corningstone: I said... your hair looks stupid.

---

Angry Biker: What do you love?

Ron Burgundy: I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.

Angry Biker: Well, now, guess what, this is happening.

[grabs Baxter]

Ron Burgundy: Excuse me... excuse me... what are you doing?

[biker punts Baxter over bridge]

Angry Biker: That's how I roll!

---

Brian Fantana: Sex Panther by Odeon. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. This stuff is illegal in 9 countries.

Ron Burgundy: Yes, it's quite pungent. It stings the nostrils... in a good way. Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.

Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. They say 60% of the time, it works every time.

Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make any sense.

---

Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh.

Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.

Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food. Oh, excuse me.

Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people

Garth Holliday: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.

News Station Employee: Smells like Bigfoot's dick.

---

Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.

Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?

Brian Fantana: I don't remember.

Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...

Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.

Brian Fantana: Damn it!

---

Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal.

Veronica Corningstone: Really.

Ron Burgundy: People know me.

Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.

Ron Burgundy: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

---

Ron Burgundy: Look, the most glorious rainbow ever!

Veronica Corningstone: Oh, do me on it!

---

Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?

Brian Fantana: Panda Watch! The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I, uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.[to the Panda] Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, Panda Jerk!

---

Ron Burgundy: (lifting weights) 1001, 1002, 1003.

Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.

Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?

Veronica Corningstone: Yes.

Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's a deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

---

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.

Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.

Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?

Ron Burgundy: No. No.

Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.

Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.

---

Ron Burgundy: Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.

Veronica Corningstone: You weren't here! Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?

Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you did this to me! You read my news!

Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.

Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. “Veronica had a very funny joke today.” I laughed at it later that night!

Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you!

Ron Burgundy: Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!

Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.

---

Ron Burgundy: VERONICA CORNINGSTONE AND I HAD SEX AND NOW WE ARE IN LOVE!! Did I say that loud?

Brian Fantana: Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.

---

Ron Burgundy: [while both are riding on horses through a cartoon Pleasure Town] I friggin' love you!

Veronica Corningstone: I friggin' love you back!

---

Veronica Corningstone: [Picks up phone] Veronica Corningstone.

Ron Burgundy: Hello. This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy results here, and guess what? You, you got knocked up, so you should probably get out of news.

Veronica Corningstone: Who is this!?

Ron Burgundy: This is Doctor Chim... Dr. Chim Richalds... Richalds.

Veronica Corningstone: Is this you Ron!?

Ron Burgundy: I'm a professional doctor, you saw me.. you don't remember. You should.. you should go, you should get out of news.

Veronica Corningstone: This is pathetic.

Ron Burgundy: You're pathetic. [hangs up]

Champ Kind: How'd it go?

Ron Burgundy: I think she bought it.

---

Ron Burgundy: Thanks for watching Channel 4 News. You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?

Ed Harken: Dammit, who typed a question mark on the teleprompter? How many times do I have to tell you? Anything you type, Burgundy will read!

---

Brick Tamland: I love... carpet. [pause] I love... desk.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp.

Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp! I love lamp.

---

[subtitled conversation between Ron's dog Baxter and an attacking bear]

Baxter: Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.

Bear: We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.

Baxter: On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.

Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.

Baxter: I will tell tales of your compassion.

Bear: Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.

---

From the outtakes:

Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?

Brick Tamland: Um, no, no... too many people died last year, so we're not gonna do it.

The Tick

• Ah ha-ha, chess. The ancient contest of wits. Two opponents: mano a mano. Braino a braino. And look: magnets for ease of travel. You could play chess on the moon.
• Ah, savory cheese puffs, made inedible by time and fate.
• And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit.
• And so, Arthur, we learned that gambling is bad and yet in a certain sense, isn't life itself a gamble? You can never be sure of anything. Like who would have thought that dolphins could go bad and that fish were magnetic? Not me, no sir, not me.
• And so, may Evil beware and may Good dress warmly and eat lots of fresh vegetables.
• And that's just it, Doc, my mind has always been my Achilles' heel!
• ARTHUR! Honk if you love JUSTICE!
• Arthur, is this a warm moment or should we be disturbed?
• ARTHUR! Monkey outta nowhere!
• Arthur, you have no historical perspective. Science in those days worked in broad strokes. They got right to the point. Nowadays, it's all just molecule, molecule, molecule. Nothing ever happens big.
• Blood covers The City like a big red afghan.
• But 'Helping-People' used to be my middle name.... The Helping-People Tick!
• Can't lose my name, it's on all my stationery!
• Clark! Hi! I made you an ashtray!
• Deadly Bulb. I'm about to write you a reality check. Or would you prefer the cold, hard cash of truth?
• Don't make us bite you in hard-to-reach places!
• Everybody was a baby once, Arthur. Oh, sure, maybe not today, or even yesterday. But once. Babies, chum: tiny, dimpled, fleshy mirrors of our us-ness, that we parents hurl into the future, like leathery footballs of hope. And you've got to get a good spiral on that baby, or evil will make an interception.
• Gravity is a harsh mistress.
• Heh, heh. Those darn ninjas. They're wacky.
• Hmm . . .I'm not too up on my whale anatomy, but I don't recall them having two metal rails in their stomachs. It's probably a blue whale.
• How dare you! I know evil is bad, but come on! Eating kittens is just plain... plain wrong, and no one should do it! EVER!
• I AM MIGHTY!
• I don't know the meaning of the word "surrender!" I mean, I know it, I'm not dumb... just not in this context!
• I feel just like Uncle Wiggly!
• I hate broccoli, and yet, in a certain sense, I am broccoli.
• I'm going to throw a chimney at them...
• I'm taking off the kid gloves, and putting on the very mad gloves.
• It's starting to smell a little like danger in here, or heavily-fried food.
• My God!! A gigantic well-dressed digestive enzyme! I am in a whale!
• My God! I HAVE POCKETS!
• Mustache, I will NOT be mocked by you!
• Ninjas aren't dangerous. They're more afraid of you than you are of them.
• Ninjas can breathe underwater! They can dodge bullets at point blank range! They can walk up the sides of buildings! They can install telephones!
• On your knees, Vodka zombie!
• People say that I'm out of touch with reality. That I'm insane. Sometimes I forget things. Who I am. Where I am. Unimportant things. But I'm not insane. I am a tick.
• Roof pig! Most unexpected.
• Sanity, you're a madman!
• Secret crime viewfinder engaged
• So, foul gelatin, you would do battle with the nose of your birth?!
• This is what we call the dénouement. That's French for "when we beat up the supervillain."
• To life, liberty, and the pursuit of heaviness.
• Wait a minute! You guys are all ninjas!
• We are not two men... we are TEN men!
• Well folks, there you have it: a day in the life of a superhero and his sidekick. It's a very long day, the tights are uncomfortable...I think we covered that before. Map light: convenient and essential. A lot of working with villain motifs. Crime has a bossa-nova beat. Leap before you look. Remember, dénouement. Other French words: inconvenient, not-essential. Well, I could go on and on and on, but time's a-wasting, and evil's out there making handcrafted mischief for the swap meet of villainy. And you can't strike a good deal with evil, no matter how much you haggle. We don't need to look for a bargain. Goodness is cheap, because it's free, and free is as cheap as it gets. CUT!!
• You can't possibly see through my disguise, Billy. This is a hypnotic tie.
• You know Arthur, it's really been quite a day. From the outside, on the surface, oh sure, we were pursued by Swiss Industrial Spies, trapped in the belly of a whale. But what really pursued us. Where were we really trapped? COME ON ARTHUR! GET META WITH ME! What pursued us were our own obsessions I'm good. You're evil. I'm a superhero. You're a sidekick. I'm a woman. You're a man. What does it all mean? NOTHING! And where were we all trapped? I'll tell you where Arthur. In the belly of love! Love chum, LOVE!
• You know, when a tomato grows out of your forehead, it gets you thinking. What do we know about anything? Life is just a big, wild, crazy tossed salad. But you don't eat it, no sir, you LIVE it. Isn't it great?! Isn't it GREAT?!
• Why am I here? Why does my mind have wings? Why do blue midgets hit me with fish?!
• Wow. Clark's fortress melts.
• [To Arthur] You’re on a first-name basis with Lucidity. I have to call him Mr. Lucidity, which is no good in a pinch.
• Yes, evil comes in many forms, whether it be a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin, but you can't let the package hide the pudding! Evil is just plain bad! You don't cotton to it. You gotta smack it in the nose with the rolled-up newspaper of goodness! Bad dog! Bad dog!
• You know Arthur, there's nothing so cruel as a kindness falsely given.
• You know, though today was the worst day of my life, I learned many things. First, the world looks a lot different when you're six inches tall and covered with feathers. Second, two heads are definitely not better than one. And finally, you can lay eggs and still feel like a man.