Saturday, February 10, 2007

Anchorman

Anchorman

Ron Burgundy

  • [while warming up before the news]]' The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.
  • [looking at his reflection in the mirror] Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!
  • I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Here it goes down, down into my belly.
  • [trying to woo Veronica the first time] I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal. [...] People know me. [...] I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
  • I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego. [repeated line]
  • I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourselves, San Diego.
  • [talking to Baxter, his dog] Come again? You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please. What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? I'm not even mad, that's amazing.
  • [to Baxter] You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter. You're so wise. Like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.
  • The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show [kisses his biceps] and see if she likes the goods.
  • If you want to throw down in fisticuffs, fine, I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waitin' for ya...right here!
  • I'm in a glass case of emotion!
  • I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself thrust into the middle of vicious cockfight.
  • I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
  • It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice...
  • Knights of Columbus, that hurt!
  • By the beard of Zeus!
  • By the Hammer of Thor!
  • Great Odin's raven!
  • Son of a bee sting!
  • Is that you, Baxter? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain?
  • [after jumping into the kodiak bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.
  • [after the rest of the team state their opposition to his dating Veronica Corningstone] I know that one day we will be married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance... until the sun rises! And then our children will form a family band, and we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited!
  • [singing] Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town, because you are what? My little gentleman. [stops singing] Mmm, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling. [[throws burrito out the window, where it hits a man on a motorcycle]
  • Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it, fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called, uh, jogging. I believe it's 'jogging' or 'yogging.' it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.
  • I'm going to punch you in the ovary. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.
  • I'm going to shoot you with a BB gun. Yep, back of the head.
  • You woke the bears! Why did you do that?
  • [shouting] NEWS TEAM! ASSEMBLE!
  • [to Veronica] You are a smelly pirate hooker. [...] Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?

From the outtakes:

  • Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe!
  • Hot pot of coffee!
  • Sweet grandmother's spatula!
  • Saint Damien's beard!

Brick Tamland

  • I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and I am what some people call mentally retarded.
  • [riding a bear] Hey, Ron! I'm riding a furry tractor!
  • I ate a big red candle.
  • I love lamp.
  • Mmm, I just burnt my tongue.
  • I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!!!
  • LOUD NOISES!!!
  • [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere that their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstruation.

From the outtakes:

  • I ate a whole lot of fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said... my stomach's itchy.
  • I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't really lava.
  • I pooped a hammer.
  • I pooped a tape recorder.
  • I pooped a cornish game hen.

From the deleted scenes:

  • When there's weather to report, I report the weather.
  • [at the zoo reporting about a baby panda being born] This is Brick Tamland reporting. It is sunny out and the bears are fluffy. Just how fluffy remains to be seen. Behind me is the miracle of birth. Soon, a stork will fly overhead, delivering a baby panda. Let me see if I can get a look at what's going on. [looks through the crowd, and starts whimpering] Oh, God. No! I don't understand!

Brian Fantana

  • I know what you're thinking. And the answer is yes, I do have a nickname for my penis. It's called The Octagon. But I've also nicknamed my testes. The left one is James Westfall, and the right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right, you might just get to meet the whole gang.
  • I'm very aroused.
  • [after Brick talks about bears] Oh that's just great! You hear that, Ed? BEARS! Now you are putting the whole station in jeopardy.
  • Excusez-moi, Numero two!
  • [unveiling the Sex Panther] No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. [...] They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

Veronica Corningstone

  • Ron, there are literally thousands of men that I should be with instead, but I'm 72 percent sure that I'm in love with you.
  • Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection.
  • I'm good at three things; fighting, screwing, and reading the news.
  • Stop calling your arms guns!

Wes Mantooth

  • I hate you, Ron Burgundy! I hate you! [turning to his co-anchors] Can't say one word? Even the guy who can't think said something!
  • [to Ron] From deep down in my stomach, with every inch of me, I pure, straight hate you. But goddammit, do I respect you!
  • Today, we spell redemption R-O-N.
  • Dorothy Mantooth is a saint.

Others

Champ Kind: I'd like to slap some barbecue sauce on that ol' butt and just uh burr burr burr burr burrrr. OOwwwwooooo!!!!

Champ Kind: Whammy! [repeated line]

Frank Vitchard: I am going to straight-up murder your ass!

Frank Vitchard: [after getting his arm chopped by a blade, out of nowhere] Ugh! I did not see that coming!

Frank Vitchard: [after getting his other arm ripped off by a bear] Oh, COME ON! It's getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous!

Arturo Mendes: ¿Comó están, bitches?! Spanish language news is here! Today's top story: The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood!

Arturo Mendes: Policia!

Public TV News Anchor: Not so fast, you ingrates. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials, no mercy!

Dialogue

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I am a professional and I would like to do my job.
Ron Burgundy: Big deal! I am very professional!
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I'm a MAN, I am an ANCHORMAN!
Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke!
Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
Brian Fantana: Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!
Champ Kind: It is anchorMAN, not anchorLADY! And that is a scientific fact!
Brick Tamland: I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!
Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?
Ron Burgundy: Shit! Sh... it's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!
Brick Tamland: LOUD NOISES!!
Ron Burgundy: Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?
Brick Tamland: I don't know.
Champ Kind: What's this?
Wes Mantooth: Well, well, well, Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team.
Ron Burgundy: Hello, Wes Mantooth, Hello, Evening News team.
Wes Mantooth: Nice clothes, gentlemen! I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale. Am I right? Am I right? Look at these guys!
Brick Tamland: Hey, where did you get those clothes, the...toilet...store?
Wes Mantooth: What are you doing on our station's turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beat down.
Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!
Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
Ron Burgundy: Hey, leave the mothers out of this. It's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset about finishing second in the ratings again.
Wes Mantooth: That's completely uncalled for, Burgundy. You know those rating systems are flawed. They don't take in account houses that have... uh... more than two television sets... and...other things of that nature.
Ron Burgundy: I guess I have to take you at your word, No. 2. You have a great day, fellas, we'll see you around the bend.
Ron Burgundy: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.
Frank Vitchard: Oh, yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place!
Ron Burgundy: (on the fight between local anchormen) Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch!
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!
Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should probably find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.
Ron Burgundy: That's a given.
Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.
Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while?
Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!
Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry!
Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!
Veronica Corningstone: Well you... have bad hair!
Ron Burgandy: What did you say?
Veronica Corningstone: I said... your hair looks stupid.
Angry Biker: What do you love?
Ron Burgundy: I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.
Angry Biker: Well, now, guess what, this is happening.
[grabs Baxter]
Ron Burgundy: Excuse me... excuse me... what are you doing?
[biker punts Baxter over bridge]
Angry Biker: That's how I roll!
Brian Fantana: Sex Panther by Odeon. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. This stuff is illegal in 9 countries.
Ron Burgundy: Yes, it's quite pungent. It stings the nostrils... in a good way. Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. They say 60% of the time, it works every time.
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make any sense.
Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh.
Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.
Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food. Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people
Garth Holliday: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
News Station Employee: Smells like Bigfoot's dick.
Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.
Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?
Brian Fantana: I don't remember.
Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Brian Fantana: Damn it!
Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal.
Veronica Corningstone: Really.
Ron Burgundy: People know me.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.
Ron Burgundy: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
Ron Burgundy: Look, the most glorious rainbow ever!
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, do me on it!
Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?
Brian Fantana: Panda Watch! The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I, uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.[to the Panda] Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, Panda Jerk!
Ron Burgundy: (lifting weights) 1001, 1002, 1003.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's a deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.
Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.
Ron Burgundy: Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
Veronica Corningstone: You weren't here! Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?
Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you did this to me! You read my news!
Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.
Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. “Veronica had a very funny joke today.” I laughed at it later that night!
Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you!
Ron Burgundy: Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!
Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.
Ron Burgundy: VERONICA CORNINGSTONE AND I HAD SEX AND NOW WE ARE IN LOVE!! Did I say that loud?
Brian Fantana: Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.
Ron Burgundy: [while both are riding on horses through a cartoon Pleasure Town] I friggin' love you!
Veronica Corningstone: I friggin' love you back!
Veronica Corningstone: [Picks up phone] Veronica Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy: Hello. This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy results here, and guess what? You, you got knocked up, so you should probably get out of news.
Veronica Corningstone: Who is this!?
Ron Burgundy: This is Doctor Chim... Dr. Chim Richalds... Richalds.
Veronica Corningstone: Is this you Ron!?
Ron Burgundy: I'm a professional doctor, you saw me.. you don't remember. You should.. you should go, you should get out of news.
Veronica Corningstone: This is pathetic.
Ron Burgundy: You're pathetic. [hangs up]
Champ Kind: How'd it go?
Ron Burgundy: I think she bought it.
Ron Burgundy: Thanks for watching Channel 4 News. You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
Ed Harken: Dammit, who typed a question mark on the teleprompter? How many times do I have to tell you? Anything you type, Burgundy will read!
Brick Tamland: I love... carpet. [pause] I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp! I love lamp.

[subtitled conversation between Ron's dog Baxter and an attacking bear]

Baxter: Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.
Bear: We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.
Baxter: On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.
Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.
Baxter: I will tell tales of your compassion.
Bear: Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.

From the outtakes:

Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
Brick Tamland: Um, no, no... too many people died last year, so we're not gonna do it.
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